Not everyone is perfect; mistakes occur from time to time. And heaven’s data-driven software – courtesy of Microsoft – is no exception. 

The first telling signs of the data error came with the untimely death of adorable baby angel Victor Stepanchikov, while on his regular stroll through the heavenly gardens delivering gifts to strangers. The weather was bliss and bright. Heaven was an archetype of happiness and joy. Children’s laughter echoed mirthfully all around. Flowers blossomed. “It was a good day – nay, a great day for a shooting,” according to NRA Chair.  Witnesses described bullets raining down on baby angel Victor Stepanchikov like a monsoon rain.  What had happened?

Witnesses described bullets raining down on baby angel Victor Stepanchikov like a monsoon rain.

Archangel Michael of Domestic Affairs said “It was a Windows update; we shouldn’t have made that damn update.” Apparently admissions to Heaven were extended to card-carrying, gun-toting members of the NRA. Equally surprised by this admission were the NRA members themselves. “I’m not going to lie; the prospects of getting into heaven were in the beginning, with the protests and mass shootings occurring like hotcakes on Earth,” said an NRA member. “Wasn’t really sure how to feel about that but as my brothers and (if we must) sisters in arms say, c’est la vie.” This member followed his comments with a boisterous laugh. 

Now What?

“It’s the defiance and arrogance that gets me,” Archangel Michael exclaimed. “Do they really think this admission is permanent? I will personally escort them to the abyss.” Hell officials have put out a statement stressing their refusal to accept any more white people. “We don’t need these NRA people here. Frankly we’re tired of the quality of people landing on our borders. Purgatory – who, for your understanding, is more like Switzerland – doesn’t want to get in the middle of this.” “We here have our own problems with celebrities who one minute are cancelled then the next are nominated for Grammys, Oscars, etc.,” a Purgatory spokesman admitted. “Please leave us to our crippling indecisiveness.” 

The last resort is something that has only been performed with the likes of The Godfather III, or Indiana Jones 4: nonexistence. Like those other monumental screw-ups, some controversially say: let’s imagine it didn’t happen. 

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