“Pieces of sh*t inhabit the Earth”

John the Baptist sits patiently, yet sternly, with the more pious Saint Peter at their new Delicatessen that they have opened to much critical fanfare. However the population decline, due mainly to, as John eloquently puts it, “an abundance of human pieces of sh*ts,” coupled with the great diversion of Anti-Vaxxers to Hell, has catapulted a labor shortage in Heaven not seen since the planet’s Reagan Administration. 

“I sit here waiting for a candidate but we have been ghosted again in heaven?!” John angrily comments. “We’re literal ghosts ghosting each other, what the f*ck! I know you ghosted me, I know where you f**king live because it’s on your resume! After my hands descend on you, you better turn the other cheek for another round of baptism!”

The labor shortage has affected many Heaveners, whose faith has been shaken by the fear of losing the longest war in all of history, to Hell. Chimes, a recent Heavener and current DMV employee, commented, “Is the Bible correct, did we even pick the right side?” Chimes is obviously now in Hell for his comments but the fervent fear and doubt that promptly earmarked Chimes’ express ticket is not an isolated apprehension.

Not shy of exasperating the Lord’s patience, the social media sharing platform, WeOwnYou, has been a tool in spreading a conspiracy theory, suggesting the reason for the failure to recruit more humans may be because the Messiah did not actually arrive on earth, and is yet to make an appearance on the blue planet. “Did He really die for our sins, did we get it wrong?” a user of the social platform who wished not to be named asked. 

Rabbi Moses commented, “Listen, whether He showed up on Earth or is yet to doesn’t really matter. Humans, regardless of the Messiah’s ‘ travel arrangements, will still act the same way. Anything good we find a way of making bad. I freed my people from Pharaoh, I struck fire on Pharaoh’s chariots, I split the fu*king seas and they still shat all over me, with glee I might add; they looked me in the eye, yes Jacob I’m talking to you, and said eff my God. My only regret was that I didn’t have enough tablets to smash their heads in with.” #noregrets

Is It A Great Labor Shortage Or A Great Resignation?

John and Peter still sit patiently at the store with more customers to fulfill and lack of hands on deck, the duo contemplating closing their Roman décor inspired delicatessen. “I don’t know how long we can keep doing this; we increased salaries but honestly our food really isn’t that good. We’re hanging on our celebrity status,” John opined. So why do it? When asked, Peter said, “Well I don’t want to do Chimes’ sh*tty job.”


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