Well, it’s that time of the year again when people remember God during times of crises. But this period is different. “It almost harkens back to the Dark Ages – but stupider,” according to HPS Postmaster General Archangel Gabriel. 

It’s 5 am and Linda, a habitant of Earth, specifically Arizona, is crying hysterically. Her candidate for the US presidency has lost the election, by a lot. However, Linda and her cohorts of the Q-Anon persuasion have taken it upon themselves to dispute the election results.  Protests aren’t working so Linda has resolved to prayers…incessant prayers – or, as some Heaven officials have termed them, harassments. Such demands haven’t been seen from Linda since the finale of The Bachelor. This and more are some of the examples causing a blockage at the HPS. 

 

Protests aren’t working so Linda has resolved to prayers…incessant prayers – or, as some HPS officials have termed them, “harassments.”

HPS

The Drug Cartels, which for some reason are heavily religious, bury heaven and all its saints with prayers for successful assassinations, safe travels of their product, finding the perfect partner, killing the perfect partner, sports and profit. But with all the backlog and confusion it would appear the prayers of the Cartels are being answered. “We don’t know how these prayers are slipping past quality control, but we are working round the clock to find a solution to this problem.”  

 

“These are not prayers, these are demands…”

Angel Nathaniel 

Angels are also feeling the burn. “These are not prayers, these are demands; some humans have even posed threats by saying if we don’t get answers now they will move on to another god or none at all,” Angel Nathaniel said. “Back in the good old days we would have turned them into salt, but nooo, now we live in this PC society. God forbid I should shove a bolt of lighting up someone’s posterior.” Angel Daniel of Section B, who wished not be named, added that “the kids are even worse… asking for more likes on social media, more hits on what I assume is a new venereal disease called TikTok. I don’t know what these challenges are!”

Society is changing – some say collapsing – and the bombardment of prayers is a harbinger of things to come. But, it just may be in a world filled with instant gratification and tools built to cater to these vices, humans are asking themselves, “so why can’t we have our miracles stat?” Introducing: Garden Of Eden Same-Day Prayers Deliverance.

 

 

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